I kept thinking, and thinking, and thinking. What is going to happen? What am I going to do? Because of my stupid habit, I'm always thinking, always considering new possibilities and ways to counter them. I kept letting myself get bothered with this. I thought of killing myself, I really did. Then it came to me, "Won't my mother be sad?", "How will she cope with it?", "Am I determined to just kill myself?", "Have I done living?". Therefore I didn't haul myself off the building.

It is easy to die, it is easy to live as well. But I know that I shouldn't let other people's judgments affect me, or make me falter in keeping my existence in this world. I posted on Twitter, that I was having suicidal thoughts, and many friends came to comfort me and etc. I felt really useless for even having these thoughts. It isn't wrong to make a stupid judgment, it isn't wrong to make a mistake, it isn't wrong to live your life, it isn't wrong to be human. I'm no longer afraid of my future, neither am I afraid of life. I forced myself to enjoy the days that I am entitled to, before my life was claimed back.

Mitigating? This is a joke. Judging me, and deciding my punishment or whatever upon that? That is a bigger joke. Why should I do that? After having suicidal thoughts, nothing scares me. I'm not afraid of what will be thrown in my face, I've grown to be emotionless. I might be frustrated, but no more. It is time to stop. The next time I'm facing those people whom I have no relation to, and I actually hate them because of the things that they've said. I even prepared my speech, lol much.

I have nothing more to say, I've read the statement, and I've signed it. Which also in a way means that I agree to whatever that is written there, even though the details may or may not be the exact truth. If they were to ask me if I have anything to say to mitigate, I'd tell them straight in the face. I have nothing to mitigate, why should I do that when I already have agreed to whatever is written in the statement? Mitigating, it means to play the sympathy card and being pathetic to try and get a lighter punishment. In this case, am I suppose to bawl like a baby and say that I'm in the wrong, I'm sorry and I deserve to die? By doing this doesn't mean that the person knows that he/she is wrong, it is just showing that he/she is still trying to wriggle out of this mess. Since people will judge whatever you were to say and it's subjected to them, what makes you so sure that they will give you the benefit of the doubt? I can say that I understand that I'm in the wrong, but they might not necessary believe. You get what I mean? So, there is no point in doing anymore useless things. This is this.

Mummy is telling me to control my attitude and not making this whole fuck mess worse. I admit that I am stubborn. I stick to what I believe more than what I should believe. I don't like to suck up to people, neither do I like to endure all the shit that is thrown to me. I am 17, age cannot be determined how your brain works. Being a boot-licker you'll survive in this world, it is a choice of being pathetic and survive or being yourself and try to survive. I choose the latter. I will not submit myself to these crap, not to these assholes, not to the society, not to anyone.

After having suicidal thoughts, my mood has been fluctuating. It has been a toll to my mental health. I have consumed a lot of sugar in attempt to make myself happier. Things aren't going as smoothly as I thought, I just hope I won't think of dying any time soon. I'm just going to work my butt off this holiday, work on songs. Music is my escape, it is my reflection, my everything.